Hello! I hope you are all having a blessed and awesome day! Mine was pretty good. Spent time at work with some cool people, and came home to an awesome wife and kids. In case you haven’t all noticed this blog is more of a place for me to vent, ponder and clear my head. It will be very random at times and will probably drive literature teachers bonkers. But hey, that is the honest and real me. I don’t regret the 16 years I have served in the army. Some were good and some of course sucked, but, as my dad always said, not consecutively. But there are a few things I do regret. I regret what it has done to my body and my mind. I regret the time I have lost with my family, and I regret the wedge that was driven between me and my oldest son. You see, it has made me a forced extrovert. I bet you never thought you would hear that!

You see, to everyone I seem like an outgoing guy. Yeah, that’s not me, not the real me. I would rather sit at home watch the world pass by on the news and facebook. If I never had to leave my home or pick up a phone ever again I would be fine with that. I get agitated every time I go to walmart or the mall or the store. I don’t even like picking up the phone to call people. Ask my moms. I come from a slightly complex background. In short I was raised by one mom birthed by another and I love them both. The rest of that one is for another day. So, this has caused a serious rift between me and my oldest son who lives with his mom. I haven’t been as available as I should be due to deployments and then the aftermath. I think the hardest part about it is the fact that I stare at my phone wanting to call or test him and I get a feeling in my gut like he wouldn’t respond or answer if I did. I love my kids, all three of them. But we Gaskin men have a way of alienating the people in our lives who are not right in front of us. My grandfather did it. My father did it and now I am doing it.

It makes me feel like I am staring down the barrel of a generational curse. How the heck to you break something like that? And just so you know, I’m not drumming for sympathy. I’m truly not. I mean what the hell is wrong with a dad who can’t pick up the phone and call his mom on a regular basis. Who can’t text or call his son? This is probably, to me, the biggest battle I face right now. With my temper the way it is, my anxiety and nightmares, all of them together are nothing compared to what it feels like to stare at a phone and not have the will to dial or text. So, if any of you know what I can do or have some advice, please let me know. I’m begging you. So I feel like I might start drifting into something else from here. But I will say it here one last time. I love my wife, Paige! I love my Children and am so proud of them, Brandon, Colin and Solaya! I love my family and friends. So please be patient and understanding with me.

God bless you all and thanks for reading!